The Math of Lesbianism

Brie hated smoking. She thought it was gross. Whenever she caught me smoking, she'd pluck it out of my lips and stomp it out. Thankfully I smoked generics. I tried and tried to convince her that smoking was trés chic. I pointed out smoking in the French films we watched together. Johnny Depp from “21 Jump... Continue Reading →

My Skater Boy

The spring of my eighth grade year was the stuff of John Hughes movies. That is, if John Hughes movies took place in lame-ass towns with mostly unattractive people. I spent most weekends on Brie’s father's 80-acre ranch riding horses and falling in and out of love with her. I had to protect my Inner... Continue Reading →

The Blue Banana

The level of sacrifice that these two evil girls endured to properly and efficiently humiliate my efforts of social evolution before the first bell rang was nothing short of impressive.

Red Lobster

I started to understand. A tan wasn’t just a good look, it was a way-of-life, a religion. And I was about to become a card-carrying member.

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