Court Rundell

I Was Hospitalized (Again)

I’ve now been hospitalized five times for my psychiatric illnesses. I find this fact shocking. The only thing I find more shocking was the unrelenting mixed episode that landed me in the hospital, again.

I never thought I’d be hospitalized again. I really didn’t. But a serious mixed episode had different plans for me. 

To say I’m not a fan is putting it so very mildly. It started in March and all I noticed was waking from 3am – 6am most mornings. And by waking up, I mean, wide-a-fucking-woke-up.

I figured it was the pandemic. Homeschooling the kid. Getting fired from my job of over seven years. Finally beating Lyme disease after 16-months of illness. Oh, and having to go off all my psych meds suddenly because I went into serotonin syndrome.

I mean, come on, anyone would have insomnia, right? 

Three months later depression showed up. Six weeks later it decided to go suicidal, but instead of suicidal-in-bed-can’t-move-can’t-wake-up it was suicidal with the energy of a thousand suns. That energy turned into non-stop anxiety and the suicidal thoughts turned intrusive, violent, and obsessive. 

I even packed a bag full of pills determined to end it all. Thank God I texted my best friend who forced me to call my psychiatrist.

And then a surprise guest showed up — anger. Its arrival woke me up. I hadn’t experienced anger like that since I got sober when I was 24.

I tried TMS again, but this time it didn’t work. The anxiety turned into panic and I became completely unable to sleep without a bunch of sleep meds.

I never thought I’d be hospitalized again. I really didn’t. But I was and you can get more of the dirty deets on my blog at HealthyPlace. If you don’t want to read it I can sum it up – hell on earth. It was worth it, but what is now my fifth hospitalization was by far the hardest, most painful experience I’ve experienced in a very long time.

I love you all so much and I’m so grateful that I’m still here.

Don’t ask me why I took a pre-hospital selfie.

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