No one told me it would be like this. I’ve lost friends. Best friends. My father. My stepfather. Dogs.
But this. This. THIS.
This is like no grief. I’m a shell wading through mud, checking off boxes. Picturing him. Where is he? Blue, bluest eyes all gone. I see him on our wedding day, the moment he met our son, engulfed in flames in his car. These visions hurt my heart, they slide up and down my neural pathways all day long.
I feel him in the trees. It’s the only time I feel peace.
I never thought I’d be here. I know things a person shouldn’t know now. Like how to identify a body so badly burned and what very little an arson investigator even does and how a big beautiful life can turn into ashes and paperwork.
Every morning I wake up to THIS. To the lists. To the mud. To the pain. The physical pain like my body misses him. I never thought this would happen. I never thought he’d be gone.
Half of my life with him. Less than a year divorced. Where did he go?
I wake up and my eyes fog over because even they don’t want to be here. I ask my friends who’ve experienced similar losses when it will get better?
They all say the same thing – it doesn’t. But eventually, it’ll hurt a little less. But it will always be with you. There was your life before and now this is your life after.
No one told me it would be like this. I’d like to try again.
I’m very sorry for your tragic loss. You are a very good writer. Keep it up.
Thank you.
Thank you for writing. My brother, Mike Sollenberger, sent me this. I have experienced many deaths as you have, but wasn’t at all like losing my youngest son at 30. 9 weeks now I don’t know who I am now.
I’m so sorry for your impossible loss. That’s a tidal wave. I’m holding space for your grief. So much love to you – life is so unfair. I’m so sorry.
My dear friend I am sorry you’re going through this. I promise it gets better but it does take time. And you end up having to get so softened in the process. But that isn’t the right word. It’s impossible to fight so you get subdued. And you end up experiencing what women across the ages have experienced. Not really a comfort but you’re not alone either.
Thank you, my sweet, incredible friend. I love you so much.