Not Pretty & Not in Pink

During my epic summer between 7th and 8th grade, besides turning into a lobster, my mom dragged me along to help install her artwork in a gallery in Salt Lake City. Did I mention my mom was an artist (still is) and I was her slave labor? Yes, I learned to crawl under an A-Frame at the Polk... Continue Reading →

Operation Devirgination

Sandy and I heard the sure fire way to be deemed losers in high school was to still be virgins. In hindsight, this reasoning had a few holes – no pun intended. I imagined a virginity checkpoint that all freshmen had to pass through before even being allowed to go to homeroom. We'd have to drop... Continue Reading →

My Skater Boy

The spring of my eighth grade year was the stuff of John Hughes movies. That is, if John Hughes movies took place in lame-ass towns with mostly unattractive people. I spent most weekends on Brie’s father's 80-acre ranch riding horses and falling in and out of love with her. I had to protect my Inner... Continue Reading →

How to Win

It was clear that I was never going to fit in at Sparks Middle, so I quit trying to fit in. I turned 12 in November and being that much closer to 13 gave me even more strength. I was practically a grown-up.

The Blue Banana

The level of sacrifice that these two evil girls endured to properly and efficiently humiliate my efforts of social evolution before the first bell rang was nothing short of impressive.

I Blew It

She appeared in the doorway wielding the knife and talking in fake demon talk. I’d spent a large portion of my childhood around crazy knife-wielding people, so I didn’t even budge.

Red Lobster

I started to understand. A tan wasn’t just a good look, it was a way-of-life, a religion. And I was about to become a card-carrying member.

Major Lee High, Mission 1

He put on Dark Side of the Moon. The three of us sat on his bed as he packed his large glass bong with weed. Thankfully he knew it was my first time so I didn’t have to pretend to know how to smoke out of that thing. I’m sure I would’ve found a way to burn my face off and, even worse, embarrass myself.

Suicide & Sandy

Attempting suicide ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me because I finally didn’t give a shit.

Goodbye Sandy

I met Sandy toward the end of 7th grade at the graffiti wall where all the smokers hung out. She had porcelain skin, dyed hair, tiny feet and balls of steel. You guys get to meet her next week. You're welcome. We were best friends for 10 years. Our addictions brought us together and then tore... Continue Reading →

Pubic Indecency

Sparks Middle School became my eighth school, but marked the first time I changed schools without changing houses. This was also the only time I kept vodka in my locker, spent as much time in detention as Bender in “The Breakfast Club,” and attempted suicide in public. Ends up I stayed alive long enough to... Continue Reading →

Scooby-Don’t: The Second Paw

Last week, I was so excited to wear make-up to school on my 11th birthday I could barely sleep. Will I wear the purple eyeshadow to school the next day? Or will I chicken out? And why the hell is this blog called Scooby-Don’t? As promised, all of your questions are answered here! (Part 2 of 2) When I don’t sleep, I get... Continue Reading →

Thug Life – My First Teardrop Tattoo

By sixth grade, Dana called herself my “best friend.” Befriending my lead bully seemed like a good idea at the time. In hindsight, it ended up being the pre-Facebook way to guarantee that I’d be bullied not only at school, but in my own home. Who needs technology when you have stupidity?

White Lines – The Teener

This is part three of a four part totally awesome blog. Fell behind? No problem. Just go here: White Lines, The First Line and The Second Line.  The next Friday night something was off. Neither of us would admit it, but there was just something in the air, something foreboding. But when you’re an addict, the... Continue Reading →

White Lines, The Second Line

The first time I went over to Debbie’s house, it was obvious why she ate. Her mom and dad were both really big and her house was really small. It was rented, not owned, and on a street that was one lane away from having “interstate” in front of it. The sound of cars whizzing... Continue Reading →

White Lines – The First Line

It was right in the middle of the school year, so I assumed her parents were probably given the same parenting handbook mine were. I think these handbooks were most likely given out wherever alcoholic beverages were being served.

Schoolhouse Porn! Vlog

I was so inspired by Channel 3 and my memories of MTV in the early-80's, that I made a mix tape. You should follow it and listen to it while rereading all parts of Schoolhouse Porn! But who am I to tell you what to do? I'm from Reno. I listened to the mix tape... Continue Reading →

Schoolhouse Porn! The Last Channel.

If you're behind,  click here for Schoolhouse Porn! Channel 1, click here for Schoolhouse Porn! Channel 2 and click here for Schoolhouse Porn! Channel 3.  Or not. This is the part with actual porn. There was a bed with an ugly flowered comforter, the kind sewn with fishing line instead of thread, facing a dresser with a huge... Continue Reading →

Schoolhouse Porn! Channel 3.

Not that porn needs to be chronological, but click here for Schoolhouse Porn! Channel 1 and click here for Schoolhouse Porn! Channel 2. Or not. I have no say over how others take their porn. You could be scrolling with your toes right now for all I care. I get it. We all have our... Continue Reading →

Schoolhouse Porn! Channel 2.

Not that you'll be lost or anything, but click here for Schoolhouse Porn! Channel 1 if you feel yourself wanting more.  Our courtship took a few weeks, but it was only a matter of time that we’d take it to the next level – an afterschool play-date. It started out as a recess break like... Continue Reading →

Schoolhouse Porn! Channel 1.

Unconditional love was emitted through a little box in the living room when Mr. Rogers talked just to me and no one else. It was like we were all alone in his awesome house just doing cool shit, such cool shit that it required both a shoe and sweater change to do.

Seeing Sparks, Fin

This was markedly the first of many times that the man I’d longed for so desperately finally showed up - at the entirely wrong time.

Seeing Sparks, Part Deux

One month later, we moved to Sparks. The subtitle of this blog should be “Sparks Is a Gateway Drug” but no one would even know what the fuck Sparks was so it wouldn’t be funny. Sparks sucks so much that it would fuck up my entire blog subtitle. Yeah, that’s how much Sparks sucks.

Seeing Sparks

The only thing more stupid than living in Reno is living in Reno’s sister city, Sparks. This is the story of how I ended up in Sparks, which, as you might expect, led me straight to smoking. I was always suspicious of parental surprises, especially when it involved getting in a car. With my biological... Continue Reading →

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