Death & Rebirth

My phoenix tattoo. It’s impossible to get the whole thing unless I do a video.

I’ve lived many lives. Abused child, bullied kid, Semi-popular high school student, drug-addicted teen, actor, alcoholic, crazy-fun, crazy not-fun, sober, scholar, wife, playwright, mother, mental hospital patient…

There are actually too many to name.

My latest incarnation is health superhero and I’m loving her. But like the phoenix, it took suicide to rise and be reborn.

Yes, Suicide. Most people don’t know the Phoenix lights her own funeral pyre. Because death and fire aren’t negatives for her. Fire cleanses her so she can be reborn. She does this over and over again in her lifetime.

See, the phoenix is not a victim.

She knows when it’s time to get clean.

She is me.

After 6 months being bedridden most days with the Epstein-Barr Virus, I finally threw in the towel. I decided to kill myself.

But instead of lighting myself on fire – ouch, no thanks – I called my psychiatrist and my mom. My psych meds were adjusted and my 77-year-old mom drove 8 hours from Tahoe to give me a life-saving hug.

A few days prior, I took my health into my own hands – remember, the phoenix is not a victim – and I started a new health protocol that felt right.

My doctor is okay, but was missing the mark in quite a few areas. I followed my intuition & was led to 2 books: Medical Medium & The Epstein-Barr Solution by Kasia Kines. A lot of the Medical Medium resonated with me, but Kasia Kines is the medically researched version of the Medical Medium which definitely jives with me much more.

(BTW, I’m making no money off these links – I’m just sharing with you in case this will help you or someone you love.)

Her book, along with that hug and med adjustment have given me a new life. I’ve been healthy and energetic and haven’t been bed bound for 18 days as of today. The longest I went for 6 months was 3 days.

I still have the virus, but I feel like I’m kicking its ass.

I’ve risen again.

These small deaths will continue and I accept that’s part of my process.

But for now, I’m going to enjoy my newfound freedom of flight.

About courtrundell

Writer, Speaker, Weirdo

Posted on June 4, 2019, in Sanity & Lack Thereof - Blog and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. What a tattoo! I can’t make out the middle, which I assume are words, but it’s impressive and fitting. So glad you reached out and got help. My (bipolar) mom didn’t. It’s taken a while but I understand her situation and am ok with it now. I didn’t know the Phoenix lights her own funeral pyre. Speaks to me big time.

    Like

  2. I’m so sorry about your mother. I’m glad the blog spoke to you. The middle of the tattoo are lyrics to a Sinead O’Connor song (she also has bipolar):

    I HAVE LEARNED
    I WILL RISE
    AND YOU’LL SEE ME RETURN
    BEING WHAT I AM

    Kind of sums it up. It’s good to hear from you. xoxo, Court

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: