Monthly Archives: July 2016

The Club

The only thing I thought of when Brie said “let’s go clubbing” was how much I loved baby harp seals and how she found the one thing I wouldn’t do to win her love.


“The Premier. Everyone’s going. It’s tres chic.”

Yes, we overused the term. We were branding trailblazers.

The Premier was a nightclub that had an underage night every Sunday. The reason she wanted to go was because Ethan was going to be there.

Ethan Johnston.

Ethan was a Junior at Reno High. He drove a BMW. He wore nothing but Ralph Lauren – hell, he played water polo. He wore fucking pastels.

But he had a striking resemblance to – guess who?



Yup. George Michael. My nemesis.

I was a freshman and Brie was still in eighth grade when her psycho mom took her to tour Reno High so she could get a variance just like me and there he was, leaning on his Beemer, just like Steff in Pretty in Pink.


Hi Steff.

I think he was the only other human on the planet who really saw her. Who undressed her layers of baby fat and insecurities and saw her true beauty underneath. Not enough to actually date her, but definitely enough to lead her on for the next, oh, four years or so.

“Were you at Premier last week?” he asked her as she walked by without actually looking at her, which I know from experience is a cool technique.

She stopped, dead in her tracks. The color drained from her perfect face. Was that George Michael leaning on a Beemer?

“Yeah, you. With the brown hair.”

I already hated him.

Somehow we managed to talk Brie’s mom into letting us go to Premier on a school night. The mind still boggles.

The only fact we knew about the club was that Ethan went there. He was a prep, so we assumed the other kids would look like him. After hours of wardrobe changes, Aqua Net and important lip gloss decisions, we finally deemed ourselves club worthy.

We were nothing short of an epic fail before we even got through the front door. Brie’s mom decided to wait for us in her car PARKED IN FRONT and read a book.

We pulled open the front doors and smoke billowed out. Lame, party of two, nervously stood by the door front door to find a subculture we never even knew existed. Once we adjusted our eyes, it was obvious that no shade of lip gloss was going to save us.

Everyone was goth.

goth feet

We were so fucked.

The protocol was black clothing, powdered white faces, black eyeliner, black or dark red lipstick, and smoking. Everyone smoked. At least I had that going for me.

The only color allowed was saved for hair. If it wasn’t dyed black or bleached white (not blonde, white), it was purple, blue or fire engine red. There were a few Oranges, greens and yellows (again, not blonde, Martin Gore yellow).


We looked like this.

goth dolls 2

They looked like this.

We weren’t the only non-Goth kids. There were other kids that mixed in:

  1. SHARP’s (Skinheads Against Racial Prejudice).
  2. Nazi’s (Skinheads for racial prejudice).
  3. Straightedge (Skinheads who were violently anti-drug).
  4. Rich kids with money to blow on, you guessed it, blow.

Ethan had a full head of hair. Do the math.

Nitzer Ebb’s Join in the Chant came on. I’d never heard anything like it. It sounded nothing like Madonna or 2 Live Crew. The closest I’d come to this sound was Depeche Mode, but after The Blue Banana Incident, I no longer went over to Jan’s house and listened to Depeche with her. Backstabbing bitch.

The longer I listened, the longer I realized Nitzer Ebb would’ve eaten Depeche Mode for breakfast.

The song pulsated through my body. It made me want to fuck someone dirty, even though I’d yet to actually fuck someone, I’d only been fucked. I wanted to do drugs. Hard drugs. I wanted to dance. I wanted to hurt people. And myself.

I got on the dance floor and started moving to the music. I didn’t care that I didn’t look like everyone else. I didn’t care about the past. I didn’t care.

I just didn’t care which was the one thing I had been searching for all these years. The ability to NOT CARE.

I felt powerful. I pulled up my rage and showed it. I pulled up my shame and told it to fuck off. I pulled up my tiny khaki skirt because my ass was just about to make an unwelcome appearance. Not again.

I’d wasted years trying to fit in when the real way was to not fit in at all. Brie’s stupid crush led me to the Holy Grail. For a second, I was almost grateful for Ethan Johnston.

Ends up there was another subculture of kid that hit the club, very rarely and usually only

  1. Betty (A girl who tries to fit in with the goth subculture without wearing black or listening to The Cure and smiles when she should be frowning. A poser. The most disliked person in the club.)

And this was going to be the last time I ever looked like a Betty again.

My 1st Orgasm (with Another Person)

I was single. Sex was awful and my last hope for a boyfriend almost ate my face off. There were no prospects on the horizon, until…


Brie was in 8th grade at Sparks Middle, but we still spent every weekend together on her dad’s 80-acre horse ranch.

I originally took Brie under my wing to save her from bullies, but our roles reversed as she grew more and more confident. She introduced me to worlds previously unexplored by yours truly.

Her goal in life was to be chic – tres chic. We decided to move to Paris and start a clothing line the second we got out of Sparks called – you guessed it – Tres Chic. We had pages and pages of designs. I invented the sideways zipper ankle boot and let me tell you – it was a fucking fashion revolution.

One particularly magical Fall day, Brie and I were prepping our horses for our longest horseback ride to date. As she put the saddle on her horse, she turned around, her perfect brown hair swishing as she grinned at me and said, “Are you sure you’re ready for this? You won’t be able to walk for days.”

And then she winked at me.

A lightning bolt tingle shot my downstairs taco like nobody’s business. I longed to squeeze my legs together to orgasm immediately. It was over. There was no way I could continue denying that I wanted to be so much more than friends.

She had opened a window and I was not going to let it shut until those lips were on mine.

The horse ride helped. We rode English, which involves basically dry humping the saddle the entire trip. We rode for hours and fantasized about our lives in Paris. How chic we would be. How we would leave this horrible place behind us.


I fantasized about kissing her in Paris in the rain.

We returned 4 hours later, sweaty and exhausted. Her dad and stepmom had gone into town for the day. Once we got the horses untacked, we went swimming in their above ground pool. We always swam after a ride.

“I like to swim naked when no one’s home.”

Yes, she said that to me. Yes, I decided I was a lesbian after all. Yes, I was naked in 30 seconds.

She wore a “D” cup. She was 12 and I was 13. Her breasts floated in the water. I couldn’t turn my eyes away. I wanted to touch them. I wanted to lick them. It felt so natural I didn’t understand why people made such a big deal out two girls together.

She swam and floated and I stared and squeezed my legs together for over an hour, and then she said, “I want to show you something in my bedroom, a secret.”

My heart beat so hard I don’t know how she didn’t hear it. We wrapped towels around our naked bodies and ran into her bedroom. She closed the door.

And she turned on the TV.

And there he was – George Michael. 


George Michael was her dream man. The only thing she talked about more than Paris, was George. As her boyfriend. I hated him.

“Get in bed.”

This still wasn’t weird. We watched Wham videos in bed all the time. We fashion designed in bed while watching Wham videos. We kind of did everything in bed watching Wham videos.

My heart sank. At least I had skinny dipping to hold onto for classroom fantasy.

“Grab that pillow and put it between your legs.”


“Pull up on it and grind yourself into it, like this.”

And then she showed me what I’d been doing to pillows for a year now. Only now I was doing it with a friend. Okay.


And we both climaxed while watching George Michael dance around on stage. How we didn’t know he was gay is a complete mystery to me in hindsight.

There was no kissing, no nipple licking, no fingerbanging. But there was an open window and there would be more. It was time to strategize my way into her pants.




Just like Lady Gaga, I had my very own Alejandro.

There was no virginity checkpoint at the front door on my first day of high school. And better yet, a week later, I bumped into Rob – after some light stalking – and he pretended like he didn’t know me at all.

So much for my senior boyfriend. I was heartbroken… that he wouldn’t pave my road to popularity.

I was invisible, which was a step up from being bullied. I didn’t realize I’d be the new kid for the 12th time in my life and that most of these kids went to school together since Kindergarten.

At first, I was annoyed that Marie got a variance to Reno High because I thought she’d cramp my style, but now I was relieved to at least have one friend. And then we made two friends in Math class – Asian sisters who were as sweet as could be – so now I had three friends.

Three very nerdy friends.

We ate lunch in the cafeteria everyday, even though we were allowed to go off campus.

After about a month of whining, I finally coerced Marie to go off-campus for lunch. As we rounded the corner of Great Western Bank, I spied a cute Filipino guy wearing crazy pants, a red bandana and Oakley’s sitting all alone on what most definitely was the largest boombox in the great state of Nevada.

And it was playing It Takes Two by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock, which I must admit, was a pretty dope ass song.

I was wearing the tightest mini skirt I owned. I glanced back to confirm what I already knew – Alejandro was totally checking out my butt. I didn’t know his name yet, but I could tell that he wanted to scam with me and that’s all that mattered.

On our way back to school, we walked past the bank again and he was still there, in the same position and playing the same exact song.

I assumed it was a particularly long song.

I devoted the rest of that week to stalking. I had to find out more about my soon-to-be-new-man.

This guy was methodical:

  1. Everyday before and after school, and at lunch, he’d perch himself atop his ginormous ghetto blaster and play It Takes Two. It was never a different song. Once it ended, he rewound the tape and played it again.
  2. At 4pm, he’d lift his boombox up onto his shoulder, which was a feat in itself since it was so high that his arm had to be totally straight to reach the top without dropping it.
  3. He’d walk to the Burger King on by the railroad tracks, tagging various walls and street signs along the way.
  4. He’d order two Whoppers with no onions and extra ketchup and an extra large coke. He always took it “to go” and didn’t eat it until he got home, however, he did sip on the drink.
  5. He’d walk along the railroad tracks from the Burger King all the way to the trailer park where he lived.

He was always alone. Maybe it was because he only played one song on his boombox.

After a week of stalking and eye-fucking, he still hadn’t even said “hi.” I began to realize he probably didn’t have any friends because he was horribly shy.

It was my duty to save him from his loneliness. His fortress of solitude. I would be the light in his dark life. He’d tell me things he never told anyone, like how his parents died in a mining accident just after he was born and that his mother’s health was failing.

Now I just had to work up enough nerve to speak to him.

The lunch bell rang on Monday and my heart leapt into my throat. I did what every nervous teenage girl did to calm the fuck down in 1987 – I pulled out my tin of strawberry Lip Lickers and clicked it open and closed approximately 28,000 times.

I approached the bank, alone this time.

There he was, in his same exact spot, playing the same exact song.

I walked toward him, but my knees betrayed me. They were shaking so hard that I was sure an astronaut could see them from space, so I made a beeline for the curb and ended up sitting awkwardly about 15 feet away from him.

He looked over at me and nodded. I smiled at him. It was now or never.

“I like that song,” I shouted.

He nodded in agreement. He was a man of few words. Mysterious. Damn, I had to have him.

“You a freshman?”

How the fuck did he know that? Was it that obvious?

“Yes,” I said without shame.
“I’m a junior.”

Then I heard the lyric: “Take it off the rack, if it’s wack put it back / I like the Whopper, fuck the Big Mac”

Oh. My. God. This guy didn’t just like this song, he lived it!

Then he picked up his boombox, put it on his shoulder and started singing along, but it was rap, so I guess he was rapping along as he walked toward me. It may have been one if the most awkward moments in my short life, I mean, what do you do when someone stands in front of you rapping along to It Takes Two?

Then, when it couldn’t get any weirder, he held out his hand to me as the chorus played.

“It takes two to make a thing go right / It takes two to make it outta sight / Hit it!”

We held hands all the way back to school, neither of us saying a word. Once we got to the front door, he lowered his boombox and hit stop on the tape player.

“I be chillin’ at BK by the tracks 4:30 if you wanna.”

And with that, he was gone. If I wanna…what? Make out? Get married? Exchange pot brownie recipes?

Nevertheless, I was filled with excitement. He liked me. We held hands. I was going to keep our love a secret until we were officially “going with” each other because I wasn’t quite sure if he was the coolest guy on earth or a major dork.

I got to Burger King way too early, so I got a Whopper with no onions and extra ketchup and an extra large coke so my body would be nourished with the same stuff of his.

I finished the rest of my meal just as he walked in. He ordered his usual and then noticed me sitting there.

“Let’s jam.”

And with that, he grabbed his Whoppers and we walked up the railroad tracks toward his trailer park, It Takes Two blasting all the while.

“Aren’t you going to eat your food?” This was a tactic I frequently utilized – pretending like I didn’t already know every last detail about the Neanderthal I was desperately needing to validate my worthiness.

“I hate BK. It’s for my mom.”

Hmmm. Curve ball. Perhaps the song was not, indeed, his creed.

“I have to be home by 7,” I lied because I really wanted to get to the good part before walking a fucking mile to his trailer. He put the boombox down and it automatically turned into a loveseat. The song was now drilling into my cortex, especially the “yeah/woo” part that repeated over and over and over the entire duration of the song, like hey Rob Base, not even a bridge reprieve? Come on.

He then turned down the music enough to still be annoying, but able to speak to and hear each other.

“I spin records.”
“Cool. Can I watch you sometime?”
“Yeah, I don’t got any gigs yet.”


Uh-oh. I could tolerate a lot of male stupidness, but bad grammar was a deal breaker. I started to reevaluate our wedding colors.

“I got two turntables.”

Again with the improper usage of “got.” I was done. Just as I started to plan my escape, he leaned in like he was going to devour me. His huge lips parted and his ginormous mouth opened wider and wider as it moved in for the kill.


I’d made out enough to know that that kissing shouldn’t involve the nose, and especially not the cheek or lower eye area. All of these facial regions were slurped upon in a most upsetting way. For a moment I actually couldn’t breathe and feared my destiny was to die at the lips of a Filipino man with bad grammar.

I couldn’t figure out a way to leave gracefully, so we made out for another two excruciating hours. At the end of the ordeal, I literally ran away, telling him I had to catch a bus. A few seconds into my stride, he yelled to me.

“Hey freshman! What’s your name?”

I turned around, still jogging, feeling safer the further I got away from those big ass lips.


Yes, I’m white and yes, Maria was the only name that popped in my head.

“Alejandro’s my name, scratching records are my game!”

I couldn’t stand it any longer. It was one thing to have my face sucked, but I just couldn’t withstand his horrible grammar.

“Alejandro, scratching is singular therefore the correct verb is ‘is,’ not ‘are.’”

And then I ran. I ran so far away. I just ran. I ran all night and day.

And the only things chapped longer than my ass were my lips and nose. For weeks my face bore the reminder of Alejandro. Alejandro.

Now that I think about it, perhaps Lady Gaga and I did have the same Alejandro…

“Don’t call my name / Alejandro”
(because you think my name’s Maria)
“I’m not your babe / Ale-Alejandro”
(because you tried to eat my face)
“Don’t wanna kiss / Alejandro”
(because my face will probably be scarred for life now, you douche)
“Just smoke my cigarette and hush”
(totally rad)
“Don’t call my name / Ale-Alejandro”
(please, please, please)


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