Court Rundell

Dark Again.

Depression isn’t math
There isn’t always a solution
I woke up in the dark again.
The bill was paid but the lights went out.
Fingers still black from lighting candles
A thousand wicks cold this morning
I’d light a thousand more but for the wind
I howl like Clytemnestra
With every gust
A thousand soldiers sail to Troy today
My sanity, the sacrificial lamb.
 
All the candles in all the churches
And even Thomas Edison himself
Cannot keep out my darkness.
 
It’s a fact I choose to forget.
Sometimes there is never the right amount of
Therapy sessions
Med checks
Magnetic stimulation
Biofeedback
Jung
Inner child work
Hypnosis
Inventories
Shamanic journeying
Stepwork
Past life regression
Essential oils
Meditations
Medications
 
All the therapists, shamans and psychiatrists
Couldn’t put Court together again.
 
Sussing out circumstantial versus chemical
Is moot
When the dental x-ray bib weight
Returns
 
I wake up without poetry.
Without the magic of a sad song.
 
Those are the waves
And I am on the ocean floor
 
Depression isn’t math
There isn’t always a solution
I like to think there is
I like to shoulder the responsibility
 
But flares are unpredictable
These are the opposite of a solar flare
More of a black hole
 
But both exist
 
The ugliest solution
Is acceptance
But it’s the only candle that will light.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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